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worked hard all my lifetime
Oct. 17th, 2007 09:24 pmI feel like I've got a tiger by the tail, and I've no idea what to do with it. I spent the day wading through Plato's Phaedrus and Judith Butler for my honors thesis - and if any combination could drive a girl mad, it would be that one.
I have applications on the brain, too. I'm so utterly terrified of messing something up. I hate paperwork - I'm awful at it - and I feel like I've got so little help. with undergrad everything was easy, clearly laid out. Still scary, but I didn't feel like I was walking a precipice blindfolded. I can do the work. I want to do the work. But I hate the part where I have to get accepted and get funded first.
I've been sick, was out of it all last evening. Combination of a minor cold and the second round of my Gardasil vaccine, I think, and of chronic exhaustion. I'm always tired, it feels like.
I have to figure out how to take my GREs. I have to travel for them, and I don't have a car. It's going to be at least a two-day deal, and again I just want to take the damn test already. I'm way more worried about the details that I am the actual work.
I've been retreating really heavily into fandom, reading comfort fic and comfort books, Prydain and Westmark and the Dark is Rising books and watching LotR and Star Wars. Listening to Anne of the Island on iTunes. There are so many things that are making my heart so very happy - Supernatural back on the air, all the fic I'm writing for The Boy's as-yet-unpublished novel, Yuletide. But I sometimes feel as if I'll never breathe easy again. The panic is always right there at the back of my throat.
Sorry to be a wet blanket, y'all. I just needed to say it. It's hard for me, sometimes, to drop the facade of okayness and on-top-of-it-ness and admit that I'm kind of drowning.
I have applications on the brain, too. I'm so utterly terrified of messing something up. I hate paperwork - I'm awful at it - and I feel like I've got so little help. with undergrad everything was easy, clearly laid out. Still scary, but I didn't feel like I was walking a precipice blindfolded. I can do the work. I want to do the work. But I hate the part where I have to get accepted and get funded first.
I've been sick, was out of it all last evening. Combination of a minor cold and the second round of my Gardasil vaccine, I think, and of chronic exhaustion. I'm always tired, it feels like.
I have to figure out how to take my GREs. I have to travel for them, and I don't have a car. It's going to be at least a two-day deal, and again I just want to take the damn test already. I'm way more worried about the details that I am the actual work.
I've been retreating really heavily into fandom, reading comfort fic and comfort books, Prydain and Westmark and the Dark is Rising books and watching LotR and Star Wars. Listening to Anne of the Island on iTunes. There are so many things that are making my heart so very happy - Supernatural back on the air, all the fic I'm writing for The Boy's as-yet-unpublished novel, Yuletide. But I sometimes feel as if I'll never breathe easy again. The panic is always right there at the back of my throat.
Sorry to be a wet blanket, y'all. I just needed to say it. It's hard for me, sometimes, to drop the facade of okayness and on-top-of-it-ness and admit that I'm kind of drowning.